Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Such a busy week!!
This week has been a little crazy, and continues to be so. I didn't juice this morning due to a really early Dr's appt. But I will definitely be juicing tomorrow morning. Just like all the other mornings this week. This week, I need the balance more than usual. Tuesday night, it was trivia night. We always eat there and drink beer. :) always so much fun! Then today, on top of my appt, I worked open to close at work. A nice 11 hour shift. Tomorrow night is the wine dinner at Mor Mor. Can't wait! And Friday night is my boyfriend's Command Christmas Party for work, and immediately after is another party, this time with close friends. The only thing I am not looking forward to is the Command Christmas Party. In fact, I am a little nervous. It's semi-formal, and around people that I either haven't met, or just met briefly. I'm nervous about not looking good enough, I'm nervous about fitting in, etc, etc etc. I will just have to let you know how it goes. And I've said all of this just to let you know that because of these reasons, I probably will not have another post for this blog until Saturday or Sunday. And don't be too surprised if I have gained a little back after all this good food!!
Monday, December 5, 2011
Insecurities
I have realized a lot about myself recently that I am not happy with. The question is....how do I change it?
I never really think of myself as an insecure person. But recently, I have realized how untrue that statement is. Looking back, I can pin point what caused it, but what I can't pin point is how to get rid of it. Does it just take time? Funny thing is, I had this epiphany and discovered that my insecurities have nothing to do with my weight! WHAT you say?... I know! How could my insecurity not be about my weight. No, I realized that all my insecurities are about my insides, and have nothing to do with my outsides. OK, I can't really pinpoint when it started, I can pinpoint where it was extremely exacerbated. It started a LONG time ago with my history of being rejected. Starting with my mom when she was with her long term boyfriend. (Sorry mom, not judging or condemning, it's just fact.) Then with my grandparents, who seemed to kick me to the curb for my child. And with my child, who seemed to want my grandparents more than he wanted me. The point where it was exacerbated was during my marriage. It took rejection to a whole new level. Not being touched or loved for 7 years, makes your mind do very strange things. And you are always wondering...What is wrong with me?
The reason all of this is coming out is because in my current relationship (which is still going wonderful by the way) We are getting to that stage where things are more comfortable, and we're not spending every waking moment with each other. And I can predict the days where I think he is going to stay home instead of spending the night. It's usually because he's had a bad day at work, or just because he got home from somewhere really late, and just wants to go home. I can know these things ahead of time, but still feel completely rejected when they happen. I can know all the reasons he has for wanting to stay home, or know that he's had a really bad week at work and that he kind of closes down when that happens, and rationally know that they have nothing to do with me, but still I feel melancholy, and the little voice in the back of my head is saying...ok, what did you do to make him not text you, what did you do to make him not want to come over. Is he tired of my child acting up? Do I bother him too much with how much I have to get up at night, and does he now need a night free of me? Is he tired of.......... Is he starting to realize..........
Am I that afraid I'm going to lose him? Or am I trying to guess at rejection that is non-existent, so I don't get so hurt when it finally happens? I guess it's hard for me to believe, that a normal, wonderful guy wants to stay with me. I feel like any day now, he is going to wake up and realize he wants nothing to do with me. Something my friend Jessie said is sticking in my head. At girls night, I had told her that he had invited me to Indonesia, when he goes diving out there in Feb or Mar. I was letting my friends know, because I would probably need help with babysitters. I also told her that I was preparing as if I was going, but I'd give him a way out, just in case he didn't realize how expensive it would be to take me along. After all, he did ask me at a wine dinner. And Jessie got very serious and looked at me, and said in a very strong voice, that I was selling myself short. That she is sure if he invited me that he meant it, because I am worth it.
I want to be worth it, but the problem is that deep down, I don't feel worth it.
Question is how do I change this? I don't want to be this way. My rational mind is telling me that I have nothing to be insecure about. And I need to stop awaiting doomsday. How do I get this feeling to go away? It would be nice just to have the normal insecurities with my body, I am used to those. I know how to deal with those. ;)
I never really think of myself as an insecure person. But recently, I have realized how untrue that statement is. Looking back, I can pin point what caused it, but what I can't pin point is how to get rid of it. Does it just take time? Funny thing is, I had this epiphany and discovered that my insecurities have nothing to do with my weight! WHAT you say?... I know! How could my insecurity not be about my weight. No, I realized that all my insecurities are about my insides, and have nothing to do with my outsides. OK, I can't really pinpoint when it started, I can pinpoint where it was extremely exacerbated. It started a LONG time ago with my history of being rejected. Starting with my mom when she was with her long term boyfriend. (Sorry mom, not judging or condemning, it's just fact.) Then with my grandparents, who seemed to kick me to the curb for my child. And with my child, who seemed to want my grandparents more than he wanted me. The point where it was exacerbated was during my marriage. It took rejection to a whole new level. Not being touched or loved for 7 years, makes your mind do very strange things. And you are always wondering...What is wrong with me?
The reason all of this is coming out is because in my current relationship (which is still going wonderful by the way) We are getting to that stage where things are more comfortable, and we're not spending every waking moment with each other. And I can predict the days where I think he is going to stay home instead of spending the night. It's usually because he's had a bad day at work, or just because he got home from somewhere really late, and just wants to go home. I can know these things ahead of time, but still feel completely rejected when they happen. I can know all the reasons he has for wanting to stay home, or know that he's had a really bad week at work and that he kind of closes down when that happens, and rationally know that they have nothing to do with me, but still I feel melancholy, and the little voice in the back of my head is saying...ok, what did you do to make him not text you, what did you do to make him not want to come over. Is he tired of my child acting up? Do I bother him too much with how much I have to get up at night, and does he now need a night free of me? Is he tired of.......... Is he starting to realize..........
Am I that afraid I'm going to lose him? Or am I trying to guess at rejection that is non-existent, so I don't get so hurt when it finally happens? I guess it's hard for me to believe, that a normal, wonderful guy wants to stay with me. I feel like any day now, he is going to wake up and realize he wants nothing to do with me. Something my friend Jessie said is sticking in my head. At girls night, I had told her that he had invited me to Indonesia, when he goes diving out there in Feb or Mar. I was letting my friends know, because I would probably need help with babysitters. I also told her that I was preparing as if I was going, but I'd give him a way out, just in case he didn't realize how expensive it would be to take me along. After all, he did ask me at a wine dinner. And Jessie got very serious and looked at me, and said in a very strong voice, that I was selling myself short. That she is sure if he invited me that he meant it, because I am worth it.
I want to be worth it, but the problem is that deep down, I don't feel worth it.
Question is how do I change this? I don't want to be this way. My rational mind is telling me that I have nothing to be insecure about. And I need to stop awaiting doomsday. How do I get this feeling to go away? It would be nice just to have the normal insecurities with my body, I am used to those. I know how to deal with those. ;)
Juicing!
I'm a little frustrated because I already wrote a post a few weeks ago on my cell phone with a blogspot ap, and it said it published it. Now to find that my post didn't post is a little of a disappointment. It was witty and funny which doesn't often happen, and I'm going to try to be witty and funny again, but don't hate if I fail. LOL.
Anyway....JUICING! It's the happening thing with all my friends right now. I think I decided to jump on the band wagon...I'm guessing...about a month and a half ago now. I juice in the mornings as a replacement for breakfast. I have changed nothing else. Here is an example of the things that I usually juice in the morning; kale, spinach, parsley, celery, carrot, ginger, apple, orange, lemon, blueberries, and beets. But I have to tell you, if you juice beets, you don't need to put much in for that to be ALL you taste. I only put in a 1/4 of one now, and it still almost over powers everything else. Amazingly enough, it usually tastes great! The first week I lost 5 lbs. And I have slowed down since then, and have lost only a total of 7 now. The real great thing is that my pants are a lot looser around my waist and my thighs! If you don't want to go on a diet, and want to start with just being healthy, I totally recommend juicing. I only replaced breakfast, and I'm technically drinking a lot more calories than I used to eat at breakfast time, and I'm losing weight. Otherwise, I eat the same. I still go out at night and drink my beer and wine, and enjoy really good food. I eat cookies and sweets here and there. I am not omitting anything! And I'm still losing weight! It is amazing! I will keep you updated on the weight loss, I am down to 193 now. I would love to be down to 180 by the Sub Ball in April, but I won't hold my breath on that. Till next time....Try juicing!
Anyway....JUICING! It's the happening thing with all my friends right now. I think I decided to jump on the band wagon...I'm guessing...about a month and a half ago now. I juice in the mornings as a replacement for breakfast. I have changed nothing else. Here is an example of the things that I usually juice in the morning; kale, spinach, parsley, celery, carrot, ginger, apple, orange, lemon, blueberries, and beets. But I have to tell you, if you juice beets, you don't need to put much in for that to be ALL you taste. I only put in a 1/4 of one now, and it still almost over powers everything else. Amazingly enough, it usually tastes great! The first week I lost 5 lbs. And I have slowed down since then, and have lost only a total of 7 now. The real great thing is that my pants are a lot looser around my waist and my thighs! If you don't want to go on a diet, and want to start with just being healthy, I totally recommend juicing. I only replaced breakfast, and I'm technically drinking a lot more calories than I used to eat at breakfast time, and I'm losing weight. Otherwise, I eat the same. I still go out at night and drink my beer and wine, and enjoy really good food. I eat cookies and sweets here and there. I am not omitting anything! And I'm still losing weight! It is amazing! I will keep you updated on the weight loss, I am down to 193 now. I would love to be down to 180 by the Sub Ball in April, but I won't hold my breath on that. Till next time....Try juicing!
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